Not Surprised, Not Shocked Just Saddened.

Last week was a fairly eventful week and not always in a good way. I visited Himself in the care home on Thursday and took in clothes etc. He was cheerful and seemed to have settled in quite well. I had had a phone call with an “assessment” lady that had been informative. I went to bed on Thursday night feeling quite positive. I awoke at 5.20 to the sound of the phone ringing. Bleary eyed and slightly wobbly I staggered across the room and grab the telephone. The care home informed me that Himself had had a fall and that the paramedics were taking him to A&E because he had a nasty long and wide gash on his head. I dressed in considerable haste and arrived at the hospital just after Himself. Ironically and strangely really the journey across the Marsh had been rather beautiful. Swathes of mist clung to the water courses, the dew had silvered the barley field, sheep and lambs silently grazed and a ethereal blanket hung across the canal with the hills suspended above it. 

I arrived at the hospital just after Himself. One side of his face was covered in blood, there was a wide gash on his temple and he seemed OK. I stayed with him until the doctor had seen him and informed me that they would do bloods, a CT scan and then stitch the wound and he would be returned to the home. Once he was asleep I returned home. Angry and annoyed that the home had not taken better care of him. I spoke to the liaison person who explained to me that she would immediately authorise a one to one through the night so that it could not happen again. I explained that he had been on that regime in the hospital and when she consulted the notes from the hospital she could find no mention of this. My next phone call was to the manager of the home. I was calmer now but still puzzled as to how this could have happened. The manager explained that when he had gone to the hospital to “assess” Himself he had specifically asked if he was a fall risk and did he have one to one in the hospital. Whoever he spoke to stated categorically that he did not need one to one. A blatant lie. I asked the home if they thought the hospital would inform me when Himself was being discharged. They thought that was very unlikely. They said they would ring me but they would only now when he was coming back when he arrived. They were as good as their word and when he arrived back on hospital transport they rang me. Bizarrely at about 11.00 o’clock on Thursday morning I received a message asking me to rate the service of the hospital. I did not respond and I now know that Himself was deposited in a “discharge lounge” for several hours before returning to the home about 11 hours after he left it. I find the behaviour of the hospital yet again unbelievable. I am not shocked, I am not surprised but very saddened – the NHS has come to this. No humanity, no kindness, no understanding and no respect for a confused elderly person who was no doubt afraid. My reaction is a clear indictment of what we now expect but it is clearly not good enough. 

When I visited the next day with my daughter Himself had several stitches and was very confused and sad. He didn’t really know who we were. I am pleased to say that today he was quite different. He was cheerful, still confused but smiling and laughing. We were able to visit with him in the garden in the sunshine, away from the depressing exceptionally noisy lounge. He ate an ice lolly and chatted away. We came away cheered that he seemed to be happier. He appears to be well cared for with clean clothes etc. He appears to be eating too.  If this is the best we can expect so be it.

I have resumed my walks when the weather allows and on the last one I put on the Merlin app that records the and identifies bird song. No strange or unusual ones but a good range of those I might expect. In addition A heron took off from the edge of the pond and in elegant gliding flight he flew across the field to the ditch beyond. A green woodpecker had been pecking at the ant nests on the lawn too. Along the dykes a slightly eerie sound rather like a duck but definitely not a duck. The mating frogs were in full chorus calling to each other no doubt with amorous “song”. Reed warblers flitted in and out of the reeds twittering away. The wheat is forming “ears” and the sheep and lambs wander across the field contented to graze as they go. The pond that was so black and menacing in winter as it lapped on to the road has now shrunk to a shadow of its former self with verdant lush weed covering the muddy water. Sometimes a pair of ducks swim around in the shallows. 

Thank you

A huge thank you to all of you who have taken the time and made the effort to send me personal messages. I am very grateful for all of them. They have helped me through some difficult times. Now for an update on Himself. He is still quite confused and has been in hospital for nearly a fortnight while they try and deal with his fluctuating sodium levels. For him they are now at a point that is his new “normal”. It is unlikely that he will get better from the confusion but it may lift somewhat. He is not mobile at present mainly because he has had almost eight weeks in hospital in total and there he was either in a bed or a chair. No help was given to him to increase his mobility etc.

I visited him today as usual and left after nearly two hours. He was upset and didn’t want me to go, he believed that he was in some sort of prison and that there was no hope for him to effect an escape. He suspected that I had “dumped” him there. He wanted me to take him with me. I trudged through the hospital – along endless corridors, down flights of stairs, eventually out into the sunlight and the queue for the parking machine. Once I had paid I made my way down the long lines of cars to my vehicle, drove to the barrier, inserted my card and set off home. I felt disconsolate and rather down. I had agreed with discharge people that once a suitable care home could be found they would send him there for “assessment”. This, I think, involves him being assessed for his needs and us being assessed financially. I am resigned to the fact that he needs to be in a care home – I cannot care for him 24/7. The process is, as you might expect, convoluted and complex and nobody seems able to explain it in sensible terms. The great “machine” of the NHS does not go in for explaining to relatives it seems. Anyway I drove back across the Marsh, cheering up a little as I saw the sunshine on the fields, and in the distance the blue hills of Sussex. I had just driven into my drive and answered my phone when I was told that Himself was being transferred to a care home in Folkestone as we spoke. I tried to ask why I hadn’t been told when I was in the hospital but didn’t get a satisfactory answer. Rushing indoors I rang the care home in question and enquired after Himself. The kindly manager explained that he wasn’t actually there yet. He also explained that he had agreed to take Himself at approx 5 o’clock yesterday so the hospital could easily have told me when I first went into the Ward. The care home manager has been very informative and explained what I needed to bring in for Himself tomorrow, how the system works, what monitoring etc they will do etc. He also said that the process of “assessment” usually takes 6 to 8 weeks. Another revelation. During that time the care is paid for by the NHS and Social Services. Again a revelation. I am pleased he is out of the hospital and once he has settled in the home perhaps some of his confusion will lift and we might get him back. The care will, I am sure, be far better, the food will undoubtedly be better and the fact that he will have his own room that is peaceful and quiet should mean he can get some good sleep too. The home has free parking and is on a quiet residential street. It has a garden too.

Previously to this “assessment” discharge I had been cajoled and bullied by a young Occupational Therapist who had informed me that she wasn’t “medically trained in any way” but that Himself was ready for discharge to home. They would supply a piece of equipment that would allow me to move him from the bed to a commode. Was I happy?? No I wasn’t!!!!! I refused. On reflection I imagine that discharge to home is by far their cheapest option and they can then abrogate all responsibility. It is down to the home carer to deal with the situation and deal with GPs etc. Only after much lack of cooperation on my part did they reluctantly agree to this “assessment pathway”!!

This whole process has been a roller coaster of emotions, a battle with authority and the realisation that you can’t actually win no matter what you do. The NHS is a great leviathan that has no regard for the person or a sense of humanity when it comes to dealing with the individual. Each and everyone is a number, a bed blocker, a money consumer or a nuisance in some way. At least this time the Ward he was on was calmer, kinder and less hazardous. Small blessings but at least he didn’t have a fall.

Thank you again. I shall be writing more on the blog as the days go by and in particular pieces on my walks and some “nature notes”.

What can I say!

Yes Himself is now safely ensconced in hospital – back in the ward he was on when he was there previously. Over the weekend there weren’t any doctors available and certainly no consultants but today should be different. Over the weekend my daughter came in with me to visit and Himself was reasonably OK although very confused. Yesterday I went in on my own, my daughter had gone back home. I need to say a huge thank you to her because she made the whole muddle of the house etc so much better. She has left me with a “to do List” instead of the muddle that was constantly in my head. When she reads this I hope she will be pleased that I have already done some things. Yesterday’s visit wasn’t so good. He had been aggressive, abusive and agitated, using language that is totally alien to him. I only stayed a short while because it was clear he was delirious and wanted to sleep. Prior to my leaving he had tried to get out of the bed. My children have given me a “talking to” and they are concerned that if and when he comes out again I cannot cope with him at home. They are right I think. So some tough decisions will have to be made.

In far better news I have been able to take a walk done the lane – whilst she was here, with my daughter. On two occasions we saw a Heron take off from the pond, circle in graceful flight and then head off into the sunset silhouetted against the westering glow. On one occasion a Crow took to flight just in front of the Heron and to our surprise the Heron attempted to attack the Crow. No harm done – the Crow took speedy evasive action. The hedgerows and verges are springing into a riot of colour with the last of the bluebells, Campion and buttercups, sprinkled among the swathes of Queen Anne’s lace that has given a delicate almost etherial mistiness to the roadside landscape. Bees buzz their way in among the flowers in both the road side verges, the fields and the garden. Goldfinches bounce along, Blackbirds trill from the tree top in the garden and the Robin is ever present. The blossom is fading on the apple tree and the ornamental cherry but the lawn below is peppered white with the fallen petals. My alliums are starting to bloom and I am very pleased that those that I managed to transplant have survived the upheaval and are bursting into a starry purple. The top of the garden is shades of blue – Bluebells, Cornflowers, Forget-me-nots. Nothing spectacular but all reminders of English cottage gardens. Among them are ferns that have shot up uncurling fronds of acid green. I need to get out there not least into the vegetable and fruit patch. It is in essence quite tiny but it does produce some home grown goodies. However it is infested with bindweed – virtually indestructible and endlessly tenacious! I can’t spray it because of the fruit and veg, it shoots up with monotonous regularity if you pull out the stems and deep digging is not possible now. The white stringy roots dive deep into the soil and if broken off below the surface just regenerate to produce myriad new plants. All I can do is pull it up over and over again. Today I might do some when I come home from the hospital – it is a bit chilly in the wind and I had to go out this morning to get Waitrose trifles for Himself. He is refusing to eat at present.

A huge thank you to all of you who have sent me messages of support – I am very grateful and they mean more than you can ever know. Some of you have said I don’t need to reply and that is so kind and thoughtful of you. I shall reply if I can not least to thank you each individually. The blog has allowed me to connect with so many of you when without it I would not have been able to. Things are not looking too good at the moment but knowing you are thinking about me and the family is very special.

Just to let you know.

This is a very short post just to let you all know that Himself is back in hospital. The results of his blood test showed that his sodium levels have dropped to a low level that means he is in need of hospitalisation. The GPs contacted me to say that they could no longer treat him because all the “tools” at their disposal had not worked and despite increasing his dosage of sodium his levels had dropped. I shall know more today about what the treatment etc might be. Thank you all for your unfailing support – I will probably be writing rather less for a while but please feel free to send me messages etc – I will read them all and try to reply.

Hair cut Day

Yes today was the day when I had my hair cut. This morning had its challenges although Himself was very good with the carer. He also had a blood test this morning – always a traumatic event although the chap who did it was very good. Thankfully the doctors haven’t rung so I am guessing either the result is not back or it is and it is fine. Once he had been things became a little difficult and I was very nervous of what he would be like when the lady came round to sit with him. I met her at the door and explained and she was sure everything would be OK. I left for the hairdressers. I had said that I might be 2 hours. I made it in plenty of time and on my way from the car park I was asked by a lady where I had bought my shoes. It was flattering but she couldn’t have known how important and heartening it was for me to have a normal conversation. I never would have imagined that such a short chat would have meant so much. We chatted about the shoes which incidentally are Lazy Dogz Sneakers. They come in several different colours and are made of suede. Mine are navy blue – those who know me will probably be saying “of course they are”. Mine have been very comfortable and I might buy another pair – perhaps not blue!!!

I decided to have the hair cut quite short and in discussion with the stylist we agreed on a “pixie” cut. I am very pleased with it. I went into the hairdressers with a raging tension headache and came out feeling much more relaxed. I took the opportunity to pick up a few things at the shop and then popped to the surgery on my way home to collect urine sample bottles. A strange outing in some ways!! When I got home Himself had behaved and the lady who had been sitting with him offered to come again. As the rest of the afternoon progressed at first he was amenable and I potted up some scented geranium plants and sorted out some other stuff. When I came in he was beginning to become confused. He claimed there had been several people here with him, there were children playing in the room, a little girl was sitting next to him at the table etc. He ate his supper and began to get grumpy. I am concerned that this confusion is increasing and I am not sure if the UTI is still there or if we are having another drop in sodium or if this is just one of the confusion episodes I was warned about. Whichever it is, it is quite difficult to deal with. I might ring the doctors tomorrow to enquire about the blood test and discuss the confusion, that is if I can get to speak to anyone! These things always seem to happen when we are approaching a weekend.

The care supervisor arrived today and announced that we would need to make our own arrangements for care after the 12th May. Sundry papers were signed to say we understood this and she promised to put me in touch with a carers charity and others that might be of help. Meanwhile I need to sort out private care and also some more permanent arrangement for someone to come in a sit with Himself so that I get some respite time to do a few things. I have a couple of names of people who might help but have yet to have a chat with them.

I am not quite so stressed but have to distance myself from the situation. The writing helps. Also a very big thank you to all who have sent me messages and to all friends who have offered kindly moral support. It is all very much appreciated and without it I should not be able to cope at all. Please keep them coming and thank you so much for reading these ramblings each day.

Yesterday

I am sorry there was no post yesterday but events etc overtook me. A friend came over for a coffee and we had a good old chat etc. It was lovely to have a visitor and Himself responded well. I am always slightly nervous when anyone comes to the house – he can be difficult on occasion. Although having said that he is always really polite with the carers and will chat away as they tell him what to do. Sometimes this is in stark contrast to his behaviour when it is only us two here. The new mattress was delivered for his hospital bed and eventually my new fold up bed came too. I had stripped both beds and washed everything in sight. The washing line was full! Because I didn’t want to have dirty boots on from then garden when then deliveries arrived I stayed indoors and made the cushion covers I had promised my daughter. The job was done before anyone arrived and once then delivery was complete I set about opening the giant box that contained my bed. With a great deal of shoving, grunting, puzzlement etc I finally got the bed out of the box. It appeared to be huge. Held together with a strap in the folded position and the catch wouldn’t budge. Eventually, with the aid of pliers it cam undone and the bed was set up. I made both beds up and then went triumphantly to tell Himself.

While Himself is well behaved when there is anyone else here but when he gets tired and the day advances and it is just us two he can become difficult. Yesterday was just such a day. By the late afternoon he was out of sorts. Nothing was right and I was useless at everything, the supper was not to his liking. in an attempt to deflect his attention from the constant agitated complaining I suggested he teach me how to play patience. The irony of this did not escape me!!!! Eventually he did play the game and things settled a little but I felt drained. This caring lark is truly two steps forward and one step back.

I have to remind myself that it was never going to be easy. That the consultant had told me that the “confusion” might last for six months or might never leave. Last night I was exhausted and questioned if I could actually do this. But as a friend has pointed out I have no choice.

As I write this I have served up Himself his breakfast and he has been charming to his carer. today is another day and my joy has been in no small measure hearing the Blackbird singing its heart out perched at the top of the cherry tree. A stark coal black among the snowy blossoms he heralded another day.

A busy day but in a good way!

When today dawned it was bright and sunny but as it progressed it became gloomier and eventually by this afternoon it was damp and drizzly. I haven’t ventured out to the garden today because of the weather but also because I have had endless phone calls and a very welcome visitor. The phone calls started with me receiving a text message from the Drs. Would I please take a new urine sample to the surgery. The carer came and while she was here I was able to make the short trip. No explanation as to why but perhaps it is not mine to reason why! Then several calls about the new mattress for Himself’s bed and a large pressure cushion too. In a slip of the tongue I referred to it as a pressure cooker! A massive lack of a sense of humour at the other end of the line – while I was giggling and apologising the voice reiterated that it was a pressure cushion!

Around lunchtime a friend arrived with sundry items of bedding etc including duvets that don’t need covers and can go straight into the washing machine and that dry quickly. A real boon at the present time. Plus some fitted sheets that also dry very quickly. I mentioned pressure cushions and she nipped home and came back with a couple plus a walking stick. Even better than that she must have recognised that I looked a bit frazzled and stressed and she brought me some flowers announcing that “you have to take your joy where you can find it”. So kind and thoughtful from someone who has recently lost someone. She was also full of funny stories and anecdotes that cheered me up.

Himself enjoyed her visit very much too but I think found it rather tiring. On and off he has been rather grouchy today but I fear that the request for the new sample has frightened him. He is terrified of being taken back into hospital. This fear is with him whenever we are “visited” in any way by anything medical. None of this was helped by the fact that today’s carer was not chatty like the others we have had. He also gets quite grumpy if the carer is not here fairly early because he hates sitting around in his bed clothes. Understandable of course but I will not wash and dress him all the time we have help available to do that. Sunshine I have noticed makes a big difference to his mood much as it does to most of us. All in all it has been quite good – not too many times up in the night, my new bed is coming tomorrow, the new mattress is coming tomorrow and a friend is popping round for coffee. I even managed to do a bit of cleaning too!!

We have developed a sort of routine that makes life a little easier and Himself is getting the hang of using the zimmer although still needs someone with him. I now need to move the stuff brought today from the porch to the conservatory for use when I change the beds tomorrow.

We will be without the internet for the next two days and likewise the landline phone. BT or their contractors will be doing something with a new pole!!! I suspect they have to put up a new pole because up until now they have been using the UK power networks pole but seemingly this is no longer allowed necessitating yet another pole. In one small area on this tiny lane we will have four poles in close proximity because the power people have also put up new poles – none of them seem to remove the old poles!!! There is a large yellow sign at the entrance of the lane announcing that the road is closed but there will be access for residents etc. Should you be wanting to visit make sure they let you through. It will be interesting with the deliveries!!! I shall make sure our phones are fully charged because they will be the only means of communication. I wonder why it takes two days to put up a pole and move a few wires???

Blue Sky Day.

The weather has been absolutely lovely today. Bright blue skies and plenty of sunshine. Warm with a gentle breeze sufficient to dry the washing. The conservatory has had its windows open for the first time this year and Himself has sat out there in. his shirt sleeves toasty and warm. We had our lunch there and dozed in the heat until I decided I needed to mow the small lawn. The garden chap came today and relocated my washing line and edged some borders as well as digging out some stumps of shrubs that had been cut down.

As I mowed I noticed the butterflies – orange tips flitting between the purple flowers of Honesty and Aubretia, a small white winged one that was less choosy about the colour of the flowers, while fat furry bees buzzed their way from flower to flower. I was particularly pleased to see the bees dashing from one Broad Bean flower to another making sure each was pollinated and that I would get, fingers crossed, a good crop of beans. This morning the lawn sparkled diamond bright with myriad dew drops clinging to each blade of grass. The Alliums that I had transplanted whilst in bud had not gone droopy so I am hoping they will flourish in their new place and continue to bloom this year. If they don’t they will do so next year. I bought a small, or rather tiny, Magnolia from a supermarket over a year ago and it has languished in it minuscule pot ever since. I pondered where it should be planted but never really got round to doing so. Today I did. Yesterday I had transplanted a salvia from a pot to the border and now I have planted the Magnolia in the large pot. I need to water it in but Himself called and I forgot until now. April is a month of blossom and because of this I have included two pictures of the blossom in the garden.

Last night wasn’t too bad with only a few breaks in sleep. The carer came early and therefore it was somewhat fortuitous that I was up and dressed fairly early too. Himself is maudlin today, questioning why he can’t do things, annoyed that he can’t walk without a zimmer, angry that I am trying to help him. The district nurses came today too. They feel they have no need to come back and said the if I had any concerns I needed to contact the GP!! The physio service rang to arrange a visit but not until mid May. Himself is sceptical and questions why we need them at all. The daily grind is wearying – meals, cleaning, washing and trying to help when help is needed. In between trying to sort out a hair appointment, cancelling the dentist, trying to arrange for a home visit for the booster Covid jab, ordering a grocery delivery and wondering what on earth we should eat tonight. By the end of the day it feels like I have achieved very little unmet it has taken a day! Increasingly I wonder if I am cut out for this domestic routine – I am not very good at it!! The new bed might be here soon – a slightly enigmatic email told me that it would be “delivered in the next few days”. But when exactly? A friend will call with some bedding some time this week. Sounds strange but sadly she is clearing out her parent’s house and has found that her mother ordered several items that had never been used. I am happy to receive any contributions of this sort so that there isn’t a panic if it rains and the laundry isn’t dry.

Things may be getting better.

Although I may be sceptical about the truth of the above title there is just a chance that they are. We have been this way before and it has proved to be two steps forward, one step back. Last night was much better and only twice were we disturb for the loo. I think the recent meds are working their magic – at least I hope they are. Himself managed to almost undress himself and get ready for bed last evening and although it took a long time it was a real achievement. This morning we had a little lie in – a treat because we knew the carer would not be here until tenish. Himself was able to perform some new tasks today – simple and things we all take for granted like having a wash or putting on ones clothes. His balance is still very poor and he can’t walk without a zimmer frame. Getting up and sitting down are major undertakings. But he is happy to sit in a window seat, dozing as the mood takes him, while I was able to tackle some gardening for nearly an hour. The sun came out and a border under the window needs to be cleared. It is full of Alliums but also a multitude of weeds. The area in question is going to be covered in gravel to make seating area close to the house but first it must be cleared of all plants etc. Today I started that task. I only managed to clear a small area but I have transplanted the Alliums and cleared the weeds. some plants will stay – they are up against the house wall and in the case of the Peony very beautiful and won’t be happy to be moved. Others will be rooted out and got rid of. Among them two Myrtle bushes that were planted by me in a silly position so that they cut out the light. Others are just expendable.

While I was outside I soon became aware of the cacophony of bird sounds. The App on my phone identified some. The loudest and most persistent was the song of the Wren. For such a tiny bird he or she can make a deal of noise! The Rooks in the courtyard were in full cawing chorus with the harsh noise cutting through the air as they debated noisily from the tree tops. The Blackbird made a brief appearance and the resident Robin joined the group. I have missed the sunsets lately and look with considerable envy at the pictures that appear on social media. People at the pub have taken to sitting outside and their conversations and laughter waft on the breeze into the garden. Snatches of chat and gossip, giggles and song remind me that I can be alone in the garden but also part of this tiny community. The churchyard has at last been mown but there are no services at present. The church is open each day but the authorities are in the process of changing it into a festival church with seven services a year. It seems that the same fate awaits a number of churches on the Marsh too,. The politics is now beyond me but I think it is a shame that the CofE doesn’t seem overly interested in its pastoral duties at present.

Let us hope that tonight will be another good night. followed by another positive day. The chap who helps with the garden is coming tomorrow and is going to cement in my washing line holder so that I can stand on the patio in winter instead of paddling in muddy grass!! He will also tackle some of the big jobs that still need doing including removing roots and stumps of old shrubs and brambles. slowly but surely the garden is being transformed.

Tired

It is raining here – a gentle silent rain that streaks down the window panes and damps everything. The hills a swathed in mist and the delicate snowy blossoms of the cherry tree fall to earth without a sound. All is quiet, all is tranquil. A robin hops across the lawn and flits to the bench. He stares all around before he heads for the garden border under the trees. This morning early I opened the curtains to bright day. A Blackbird, dark as night with a butter bright beak stood on the dewy lawn. It reminded me of the hymn “Morning has broken” – not a hymn I have ever really liked but apposite this morning in its second line. “Blackbird has spoken like the first morning”. The world outside looked clean and fresh but inside things were not so good. However, the white, red stripped tulips have bloomed at last and the Broad Beans are in flower and looking remarkably healthy. I love Broad Beans and have high hopes of this year’s planting. Also the flowers smell amazing towards the end of the day when they have had the sun on them throughout the day. Broad Beans are prone to getting blackly and I plan to combat this this year by planting Nasturtiums around the edge of the vegetable bed. Blackly love them!

This morningI was tired, dog tired, exhausted. Since Himself has been prescribed double the dose of Sodium Chloride and antibiotics for a UTI he has been needing the toilet very frequently. Last night we had little proper sleep and by this morning I was struggling. I snapped at him. I dragged myself from bed and went about the morning routine in preparation for the carers. The door bell rang – I had forgotten that the builder was due to finish some work. I answered the door and couldn’t get out any words. I must have looked a complete wreck. Hair all awry, tired eyes and no shoes. When he had finished the short job the builder left as the weather was not suitable for then other work. I helped Himself to the loo, and prepared to make some breakfast. Whilst I had been an emotional tired mess when I had woken now I had “pulled myself together” as my parents and grandparents would have said and started on the tasks of the day. Himself was tired too and maudlin, rambling and disorientated until he had had his breakfast. Then we both seemed to be able to face the day. The carer came and was chatty and very kindly. The washing was done and when I pegged it on the line I noticed that the red and white stripped tulips had finally opened. The hills were bathed in sunshine and I was able to grab a few minutes to enjoy the day, to take some pictures and to think about what I might do once the tasks were done. This afternoon the day got better too – a friend from the village popped round and stayed for a chat. She works as a carer and will come round to sit with Himself so that I can go and get my hair cut or do the things that I couldn’t otherwise do. Perhaps things are looking up. Of course it feels very lonely at night when the rest of the world sleeps – much as it did when I was awake with very young children. There are many parallels between caring for the elderly and caring for babies I think. Little sleep, a feeling of isolation, a sort of hopelessness and lack of confidence in yourself and a fear that you are not getting it right because you don’t know what right is!

I hope that tonight is a little better. On the positive side I have managed to order the new bed and it should be delivered by Wednesday next week. Not too long to wait but I hope I am not being ever the optimist in hoping it will be super comfortable. Life as a carer, for me, is quite often permeated with guilt of one kind or another. I feel guilty that I have been short with Himself, I feel guilty that we are occasionally eating ready meals, I feel guilty because the house looks a mess and a muddle and I feel guilty because I want some time to myself. I am sure everyone in my position feels this way and I am in no way unique. Self indulgent perhaps for writing about my trials and tribulations such as they are. My sister has given me a sense of perspective that I sometimes lack. It could be very much worse.

Tomorrow may be better, tomorrow I may do some gardening and then the world will be a better place!

Thank you for reading the blog and keep the comments coming if you feel you would like too.